Due to this pandemic, I feel so hopelessly unproductive and it stresses me out. I'm making me keep busy so I start reading and writting. Unexpectedly I kinda enjoy it so much.
I'm trying to be open up and be honest to myself through this journal.
6. in progress . . .
I'm also improving my english. Feel free to drop a correction / suggestion. If you're struggling to find partner to practice your english, which is me too, let's do it together.
xoxo, sky <3
Have you ever talk to yourself loudly? In the power of mirror mirror on the wall, I often to do that. When I have nothing to do, I'd loved to walk to the mirrors. My room isn't that big but I have mirror at every angle. Messy hair, sharp eyes, uncolored bitten-lips, my dearest freckles, and the line of the collarbone ; it's super-pretty-no make up-me. Mirror tells how gorgeous I am, especially when it comes to naked, haha sorry. Mirror boosts the confidence level, it also contains truth.
Now, yes right now darling. Walk to the mirror, put the mask off, look at yourself and say "Hey. Thank you, for being you", then give a wink!! ;) It's awkward in the first time but then you'll find your smile everytime you repeat, I mean everythime you talk to yourself in front of the mirror. Either you get your confidence or at least you'll smile because of how silly you're :p OH!! Sometimes I do poses too. Yeah, you should do it often, it's relaxing.
I talk to myself about anything, we share everything. Mostly if I feel too over about something like burnout at work, overthink my overthinking, homesick, confused, even when I feel sick. "Hey, we can through this girl. You are amazing and I love you", I said. Of course I give her hug too. This thing is a part of my acceptance process, helps me be more rational and calmer. My temporary peace. I'm happy having this method.
Okay it's getting bigger, greater, and expanded out of control recently. I can't lie and deny, I need to scream it out immediately. I talked to the mirror a couple times, it seemed sad and distracted. It just doesn't work as before, I'm afraid the mirror lost its power. I'm questioning my introvert side because I run too fast to many people. Look, I can't reach my mirror yet I need to get it out of my mind so that I talk to people I can trust a.k.a bestfriends. Receiving a lot of opinions and it consumes me more badly. Deep down, I'm pissed. Sleepless nights are hundred percent killing me, plus I'm powerless to external things. It's just the matter of time that I'll get my beloved gerd back, for sure.
I, I'm just confused, blanked out.
Ain't in hurry, I'm learning and processing what's going on right now. You should know that I never do something serious in halfway, not a chance. It's understanable if we want to know each other more, yeah I totally get that we're trying. I'm happy for your presence, hope you feel the same way. I just wanna know what you stand for, where you exactly are, please clear it out. Not your feeling or what we are. I know you have a thing with someone else and if you want what we have works, please disccuss it first. I don't care the rest, just you. You can share everything with me, be honest to each other is better. Don't put me in between, ugh, it's harder than I thought. This way, I don't see us there. I just can't. I should shut your spark down, shouldn't I?
I've been sailing too long and too far, temporary stayed over without having any intention to stay in a little longer.
Over past two and half year I felt a lot of random feelings and I'm going to tell you about me.
I'll Tell You About Them chapter is not that bad. I used to think they're just not the right one but the fact is I never try knowing them more. That doctor who sell insurance didn't offer me to buy his product, but offered me to be his business partner. He trusted my capability to do something bigger with him. Worse, I could share my dream living abroad with that IT engineer. He was the one who saw my persistence since the first meeting. There, I was overreacted and ending ghosted them up. I am underestimated myself, imprisoning the possibilities ahead.
Telling you all about the past is totally my excuses and I had enough denial. My blurry choices, regretted decisions, and unavoidable mistakes shouldn't become a forbidden sign to always bloom. I let them be a part of me in order to embrace my perfect imperpections. These scars are the real growth. I vote for the finale called acceptance as my redemption.
I'm done having trust issue and insecurity over me. I accept the past and the matter is I accept me, the whole of me. I might be too much for someone and too less for another. I'm also still afraid of rejection. No one cares but myself, at least I got disappointed after trying rather than do nothing. Pure intention often leads to good thing. Be my true self doesn't make me lose anything. So much relieved to be open like this. Yesterday the pandemis made me insane, the loneliness wasn't really suit me. Now, it's comfortable either hanging out with friends or spending all day reading a book.
I re-find my peace in silent through books. It's surprising when I prefer to continue reading than watching netflix. The other reason is because the routine doesn't give me space learning and having fun in new thing, in something different. I never get new perspective since graduated, only work stuff. I crave for knowledge, it never goes wrong by investing myself. I committed to personal growth. I deserve the better one one day, so does he.
I'm moving on to the next chapter. Just have one thing to say for anyone who is struggling with the past. Please don't deny what happened. Sailing as far as you can go, explore new thing. Accept until you regain your own peace. Only good attracts good.
I've been sailing too long and too far, temporary stayed over without having any intention to stay in a little longer.
Over past two and half year I met a lot of random men and I'm going to tell you about them. Some were ridicilous stories, few were headache, the rest of it was, hmm I have nothing to tell.
#1 Man, a doctor
I met him at dating apps called CoffeeMeetsBagel about two years ago. His office was next to mine so we decided to have a meeting at Kopi Kenangan. He arrived first, I thought he was a gentle because he was willing to wait for me. When I arrived and took a look around, I found out that he had not arrived yet, ughh. I texted him and NO RESPONSE. Was I being ghosted at the first meeting? Fifteen minutes later, I got a text from him and hahahaha he was a man sitting next to me. He charged his phone far from him. You must be think how stupid I was, but his profile picture didn't look the same, trust me this time. (Ups, his real face was fine. Hmm generaly handsome).
We had a little talk (he interviewed me actually) about what I do to how's my family to what future goals I have. But sorry guys, I have to cut this fucking shit. I don't mean to be rude, but come on, HE OFFERED ME AN INSURANCE. I N S U R A N C E ! ! ! Yes, that doctor left his degree to sell insurance. I sat there for two hours listerning his products, how pathetic I was. I still laugh at me right now.
#2 Man, an entrepreneur
Remember my first experiment? A part of this one was a part I didn't get from last ex ; his family accepted me. I remembered when he invited me went to a home galary or offered financing my dream business. He asked about the future with him and imagined me as a housewife taking care of children. He used to believed I was the right one capable of doing anything. Being with him, I could leave my job, he was kind of an escape. Although he wasn't a prince charming type, but at least I could see the gate of my empire.
He left his ex for me and I left him because of it, tho. A few parts of me were a few parts he didn't get from his ex ; religion, accepted by his family, and race - chinese. Months later I found out he was into my friends. Yeah, friendS, plural. Once he said to my friend "Why do you reject me? I am rich, you can have more than enough. What is my weakness? None" Oh hell babe, he was totally absence when our Greatest God wishpered us a word "thinking", he was out of his mind, speechless. More, I found his gulty about his lies yet I accepted his apology.
Btw, he still contact me sometimes. Still, out of his mind.
#3 Man, IT engineer.
Another hello from CoffeeMeetsBagels again. He asked my number and I gave him my LINE ID. I didn't give a fuck because he mostly texted me at midnight. One day he begged to call me around 10 and voila, he was an extroverts. We're on the line for two hours and had a meet a day after. Technically, I didn't want to go there but that one come to the place at 2 pm. It was a work day, what was he doing? Ugh, I decided to come, after office hour obviously.
We went to a parking lot, going straight to the sexy black pajero sport over there. Okey another rich one, I thought. I was heading right to that pajero, and taraaaa, his car was next to the pajero, my hope was drop down till the ground .-. I guest it was a jazz, full of sonic wallpaper. Who's the hell this dude, how freak he is. I didn't know what's going on. oh Jezz, first impression? big no no.
That was on PSBB mode, he just drove me around South Jakarta and we had dinner at McD, drive-thru btw. I didn't like him, too touchy. I payed the McD and he didn't even ask how much he should pay, at least his portion :'( If he was willing to pay, I wouldn't accept it either. Well, just another stupid me wkwkwkwkwk Next day, he asked me to living abroad with him. "Sorry you're not the one I want to live with", I replied and deleted his contact. Bye CoffeeMeetsBagel ~
#4 Man, an influencer
HAHAHAHAHA I told you it's unbelievable, lol. I'm his subcriber since years ago, a big fan. At early 2021 I got a pop up regading his video on my youtube's notification. What a surprise because his audience isn't as much as years before. I stalked his instagram, he has million followers but the number of the viewers is too low. In fact, his comments and likes is lower than 5% of his followers recently.
In short, I sent him a DM and as I expected, he replied my DM then we moved to whatsapp. I never meant to get to know him more at the first place so that I rarely replied his texted. Days by days, weeks by weeks, and we met after months. I was curious about him. He is lovely, persistant, and sharing a little of his private life to me. I recognized honesty for the first time through his eyes. I love the way his lips trying to communicate in my language. He was the one I truly fell for during my sailing so that I wanted to stay in honestly. I lost him. I broke my heart for no reason, for someone unreachable.
We don't have many stories sadly.
#5 Man, . . .
Told you, I have nothing to tell about the rest.
Go read I'll Tell You About Me ;)
Is she in happy relationship with herself or she wants to be emotionally dependent on someone?
Being independent doesn't mean she doesn't need someone to depend on. She loves being existed with herself, no debate. But you know what's better than alcohol? Someone who listens to her, someone her age, because sharing her life would really help. Will she find someone special to talk to? We'll see.
Does she really love this person or she is choosing him out of her loneliness?
Being with someone isn't a guarantee she will fucking get out from her loneliness. It's not love either. In this moment she is trying to feel, to love, to being existed with someone else. Kindness isn't flirting, attention isn't caring, affection isn't lust, and attracted isn't always love. It's never gonna be her fault for being such a nice person to anyone, to him. She is scared as fuck to face someone. You'd better treat her like you want to be treated, love her as hard as she tries. Reread this paragraph without 'not', hope you'll find something different, something she wants to.
Is he the right person for her in relation to her needs, desires, life style, thoughts, and compatibility?
She can't let that thought ruin what she would have ever again. Those thoughts snatched her hopes thousand times. Those thoughts also ate her mind every single minute and turn the last pieces of her heart off bit by bit. She could adjust her needs, desires, life style, thoughts, and compatibility. If she couldn't, she must be figure something out. She just needs someone she can pour her soul, lean her shoulder, and cuddle to release her burnout.
Am I completely healed, having no trust issues, and no insecurities about myself?
How to define 'healed' by the way? Am I still in pain? No, I ain't. Do I still think of him? No, I don't. Do I desire him? No, I don't. Did I forgive him? Yes, I did. However, do I forgive myself? Maybe I need a redemption.
Life often gives me moments, lots of moments. I meet new people and life shows me lots of adventures and characteristics which lead me to experience the life itself. You can name advebs as many as you got in mind, I have experienced them.
First drama I've been through drove me insane. It was math. Yeah, I fought with it in the first place, then I solved thousand of cases. I even cried when I couldn't see the difference between 13 and 30, it had the same sound at the first syllable, thirteen and thirty. When my brother said thirteen, I always ended up wrote 30 because the first syllable is 'thirt', means three, so I wrote 30. HAHAHA By the time, math made me pretty comfort then I felt in love with it. Told you, no matter how hard or awful the situation, we'd always find a way out, like math. Giving up wasn't a word in my dictionary.
The dramas I've been through taught me to feel what I need to feel, then let it go (never let it consume me, no more again). I asure you not to deal with that kind of feeling caused by drama or any kind of problems. We have to find a way out.
Is it healed if I have compromised with the situation, either good or bad? Is it healed if I have stopped to deny reality? I accepted everything happened to me, it is what it was. I thought I passed the five stages of grieving ; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Should I make a revenge like Cruella to end her grief? No, I shouldn't. I just feel empty because I know everything shall be pass eventually. Am I healed? Please somebody answer me.
The important thing is I figured out who is fit in me. I'm aware that that type of man I should stand for in the process of my searching sounds too idealistic and hard to find. That's why I don't spoil the list of the type. My right one should be like math. Let me touch, smell, taste, see, and listen to his head and heart. Let me solve every inch of him, let me think through, let me learn to love, let me learn how to stay, and let me be me. Beauty, peace, wild, and free. Nobody understands. But hope is the only thing keeps me alive.
One day, I saw the light. I thought my hope was coming true. Maybe it was almost happening, but I was too afraid. The truth is exist, but lies are made. When I passed my first and only broken heart, I committed to fix myself. Yet it's absolutely difficult to trust people, plus I still have the trauma of the past. There was an old friend who had crush on me so he was my first experiment, I was trying to build my trust on people. I made sure that I won't get any rejection like in the past. I told him my weaknesses and I was willing to met his whole family. Well, it was easy to trust people, I could say so until I found he made up story about himself. People always tell a tale about theirself, there's no bad side about them. People think they're good and right. He lied to me and I was just a fool.
I found a lie in his tale. I found lies in their tale, all of men trying not to be theirself in order to impressed woman they crush on to. Fun and fact, you couldn't lie to someone who attached with math. I would link every story you told and I would do an interview if I see something wrong. Be prepare, once I find your guilty, I would say goodbye without a doubt. One more thing, I'm no longer giving a damn second chance.
For me lies are betrayal and I couldn't face it. The first experiment failed me. I refuse to believe, I strongly can to trust no one. I rejected them. I never meant to play hard to get, I'm just having a trust issue.
There's absolutely no formula to trust someone. Trust isn't math. I have no clue to solve this one. Think, think, and think until I start questioning another thing, do I even trust myself? It's similar with love. We have to love ourself first so that we can love another. I obviously love myself, that's the first thing I did to fix me. I'm at the top of my own priorities. But maybe deep down inside I don't trust me.
I met someone incredible. He's full of knowledge, very discipline, kind, and warm. He even has his daily resolution. God, we all have new year resolution that we never make it. He definitely knows his destination and he's heading there. Oh his eyes and lips . . . But me? Who am I? Hello? I'm just a fresh graduated, work in a bank as staff (please read it as an admin), I don't see my 10 years from now as a vice president or even a manager. Parents are rich, I'm totally poor. I'm faaaaaaaaaaaaaar from success, but he is already success. I'm just a girl full of messy thoughts, a girl who love to read a history book, a girl who ever had a dream to be an archeologist. I'm just a girl living in her dream. I have nothing to offer.
Another old friends told me that I have to find someone at same level as me just because they think that I'm a different. Open minded, independent, mature, critical, rational, and smart, they said. Brother said that I'm from a happy family so that I should find someone equivalent. I can't fully agree with them. If a genius, humble, handsome, open minded, success, and sexy as fuck man is into me, what kind of value from inside me that I have for him? It's stupid if I only offer him nights full of lust. He deserves a quality, an exclusive one. Am I that exclusive?
The point is I'm afraid that I won't be enough for someone. I'm afraid if someone leaves me when I ain't good enough. I'm afraid I won't fulfill someone's expectation. I'm afraid that I just a moment he made with. I'm a hundred percent afraid to be left by someone I love.
Ironically, I'm having a trust issue with myself that leads to a completely insecurity of myself. This whole thing affects my life, my career, my friendship, my dream. This's ridicilous because I always think that I'm not capable enough to reach anything higher. You know what thing you should have in life besides a dream? A confidence. I'm working on it, I have to.
